Too Much in the Sun

By Seth Adam
July 22, 2008

 My being taller than the average Chinese person is no surprise. Finding shoes for my western feet is nearly impossible, and barely squeezing into a 'size large' t-shirt is none too good for my ego-- but that's the way the fortune cookie crumbles in China. I am an oddity.

But as frustrating as shoes and t-shirts may be, there is no feat quite like escaping the sidewalks unscathed by an umbrella. Make no mistake my American reader, it isn't raining here in Beijing. Quite the contrary. The skies have a faint echo of blue on these "clear" Beijing days, and the sun's rays are the only thing pouring on these city dwellers. Yet oh so many Chinese feel the need to break out their umbrellas (ellas, ellas, hey, hey) and bee-line straight for my forehead.

Had American pop-princess, Rihanna, ever experienced anything quite like this, her upbeat ode would no doubt be one hell-of-a (ella, ella, hey, hey) somber tune.

'But why?' you might ask yourself. Well, my dear Western friends, apparently the Chinese are not too keen on those mega-star tans we so admire west of the Atlantic. Nay, in fact, they break out their umbrellas hoping to shield themselves from any such ray that might turn their paling Asian skin the slightest bit brown.

So this may make sense to some. Why bother baking oneself a skin-cancer brulée if it can be avoided? After all, the ozone layer isn't making a comeback like that of skinny jeans. And in these times, post-Al Gore's Oscar triumph (oh, and that Nobel Peace thing, as well), shouldn't we all try to be that much more conscientious about the dangers our environment is posing to our well-being?

Let me gently soothe your queries with a simple but firm-- NO! Do you have any idea what it's like being 5 feet 11 inches in a 163-centimeter world?! Oh, my apologies, you're probably not yet savvy with the metric system. Let me translate: 163cm + umbrella equates to approximately my hair line! That's right folks, while the Chinese are shielding themselves from chemotherapy, I'm praying to the Buddha these scabs don't scar my formerly flawless complexion.

It's just not fair. I can't help that it's in my genetic nature to look atop the average Beijing person's head. And where are the warning labels on these perilous devices the Chinese are sporting on every sun-drenched sidewalk? I'm beginning to think a lawsuit is in order-- unwarranted and dangerous negligence with weather paraphernalia.

Okay, so I'm a bit dramatic (it's in my major). But really? I mean, where's the rain, guys?  Until the forecast calls for it to pour 猫科's and 狗's, please, get yourself some SPF and save the umbrellas for a rainy day.