The routine of every day living in an urban environment can get to a person. It's loud, it smells, there's a lot of traffic and horn-honking, and quite frankly the amount of times I'm hassled on the street for spare change or to "take a minute to save the world" (sorry Green Peace, I'm not giving you my checking account information while we're standing in the middle of Downtown Crossing) is enough to drive me to drink.
Luckily, there are some events that shake up both the monotony of city-living and your faith in humanity.
One particularly interesting factor in habitual urban life is public transportation. The mostly reliable Red Line is what brings me from the safe little haven of Davis Square to Boston for school and work every day.
I didn't think much of it that Friday morning when the woman wearing fish net stockings and an enormous floppy hat got on the T at Charles/MGH. She seemed a little off, but noticeably happy, jamming out to her IPod. I did think much of it when I heard the booming voice of another passenger getting on at the same time, at the other end of the train:
"EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE! I JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. IF YOU CAN SPARE SOMETHING, ANYTHING, I'D THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART... I'M COMING DOWN THE LINE!"
The man did just that, came right down the aisle of the car and hustling money from other passengers. Since he probably didn't just get out of the hospital, and since he demanded the money, I resolved to mind my own business and hope he didn't make a scene when he got to me and got nothing except a fumbling "S-s-sorry, I don't have anything."
When he did get to me, he stopped. I nervously looked up to see that he was looking in the other direction, at Fish Nets/Floppy Hat. He looked her up and down, and appraised "Ooooh, I like you!" Fish Nets gave Recently Released from the Hospital a hug and kept on dancing in between the train's doors.
After collecting a few more bucks, Recently Released sat down. As if on cue, Fish Nets shimmied her way over to him and SAT ON HIS LAP. For the sake of this story, I've assumed that these two did not have prior knowledge of each other.
Fish Nets proceeds to grind on R.R.'s lap, like it's amateur night at the Glass Slipper. This cannot be real, I thought to myself. It's 11:30 in the morning, as if that's the strangest part of this story. I can't help myself by start nervous-laughing. I start laughing so hard and trying even harder to stop laughing. Hiding behind my Metro newspaper, I am crying because of the downright audacity of these two.
I peeked up just in time to see Fish Nets stand up and use the handrail like a stripper pole.
At this point, I think, Where is the camera? Is anyone else noticing this? The guy standing next to my seat meets my eyes and gives me a look that says You're not hallucinating, this s--- is bananas." I wish there was a camera there, because it would be proof of this absurdity and also I think YouTube would really appreciate it.
Thankfully, the train came to a stop at Central and both Fish Nets and R.R. get off, hand-in-hand. Congratulations everyone that gave him money- you probably just financed a random back alley sexual encounter.
And that's why I don't make eye contact on the T.