Results tagged “crap” from SPRG09JR608 Interactive News Matthew Tempesta

Finally! A product that actually makes some freaking sense! Meet the Sonic Blade. 

Let's look at seven seconds in. I can't tell you how many Thanksgivings I've ruined by ripping apart a whole turkey with my bare hands. Who knew cutting food could actually be this easy!

What an age we live in. I thought the CD-ROM  
was as far as man could advance technologically, but I was wrong. Non-compression sonic separation technology is the wave of the future.

I think the strange lady who appears in this infomercial for exactly .34 seconds said it best when she said, "Wow."

Goodbye knives and bare hands. Hello Sonic Blade! You can virtually cut through anything with this bad boy. Fruits, vegetables, meats....fruits....meats.... and the hardest thing in the world to cut...... angel food cake??

This is one hell of a product. You may not know it, but the Sonic Blade was actually designed with Fred Flintstone and Shaggy from Scooby Doo in mind. The makers of the Sonic Blade sought to create a life where giant sandwiches and massive slabs of ribs could be enjoyed with ease and safety.

 
                                                                                                                                                     
Oh, and the best part about the Sonic Blade? It's battery powered.Which means no miles ofwires to tangle with, which means that this guy will never appear in your kitchen.



Plus it comes with this awesome fro pick so you can look good while you cut things.
 









Oh and pay no attention to those miscreants at Cuisinart or Black & Decker.



Thanks Sonic Blade!

A nm weon qejqn mqwei m...dmqp............. OK. That's better. Sorry. I had to install my Porta Book. I never realized I've been horribly misspelling everything I write until I got the Porta Book.

It's amazing. I never knew laptops were this easy to use. I've been struggling for years trying to find the perfect position to use my computer. I've tried lying on the couch, lying on the floor, hiding under my bed, sitting in the trunk of my car and even squeezing into my dishwasher.

But now, thanks to the Porta Book I can finally use my laptop like a gentleman.

I can't even tell you how man hospital trips I've made with laptop neck
the free WiFi finder you'll receive. Now you'll always know when you can go on Facebook and see if your cheating whore ex girlfriend is still seeing that fitness model that stole your....... dammit, sorry my mind is wandering again.

Buy the Porta Book. Now. Come on. Get to it.

Oh... and pay no attention to those assholes over at Lap Dawg, Keynamics, The Wizard or The Cricket. Very sub par craftsmanship.

Thanks Porta Book!

There's not much I can say about Vince's triumphant return to the infomercial circuit.
So I'll sum up my feelings with this short video I made. Enjoy.
 

Thanks Slap Chop!

It happens all the time. You're sitting there, watching TV or playing backgammon, and it hits you:

"Damn, I wish I looked more like a monk."

Ladies and gentlemen, your worries are over.

Welcome to the world of The Snuggie.

Never again will you be bogged down by the enormous weight of those awful blanket things.

Who the hell wants to waste money on t-shirts, sweatshirts, or even sweaters when you can spend $14.95 on a Snuggie?

But enough about this great, awesome, divine, amazing, awesome, great, amazing product. Let's take a look at the ad. 



We're immediately drawn in at the nine second mark, where we're reminded of the horrors of blanket life.

If I had a nickel for every phone call I've missed because my hands were stuck under a blanket, I'd be a freaking zillionaire.





Twenty eight seconds in: I used to dread making popcorn in my pre-Snuggie life. I would struggle for hours trying to free my hands from the wrath of my throw blanket just to be able to enjoy one measly kernel of delicious buttery popcorn.

But it was pointless even trying. Countless bowls of popcorn went cold and I can't even count how many TV shows I missed due to blanket-induced exhaustion.



But let's focus on the positive side of life, we are, after all, in a post-Snuggie era now.

Let's take a look at 55 seconds in. If this doesn't sell you on The Snuggie, then nothing will. Here we see the nice old lady go from knitting, to a enjoying a nice cup tea, in one unobstructed motion.

It's a goddamn miracle if you ask me.

That same nice old lady, a mere four months ago, was severely scalded when trying a knit-to-tea transfer sans Snuggie.

Listen people. Buy the freaking Snuggie already. Hell, they're even going to give you a free book light!

It's win-win!

You're never going to need shirts, sweaters, blankets, electricity, jackets, family, friends, happiness, love or anything else you can possibly think of ever again..... ever.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is The Snuggie.

Oh, and pay no attention to those bastards over at The Slanket.

Thanks Snuggie!

Ah yes, Loud 'N clear. Perhaps my favorite infomercial, but of course I can say that about all these pieces of crap.

In these horrible economic times, the world yearns for a product that is both useful and practical. The Loud 'N Clear is just that. It's one of those once in a lifetime products that......wait a second.......is that who I think it is? Fast forward to 12 seconds in!

It's the Snuggie Lady!!! Wow! This really is the greatest infomercial of all-time. There must be some kind of sweatshop-like warehouse where infomercial actors are stored like slabs of beef.

Poor old lady. She was probably some cute little kid's grandma until she was kidnapped and forced into slave infomercial labor. Look at that forced smile. Those sullen eyes. I'm calling the Department of Labor.

Ok, I made the call. The department is on it.


Now let's get back to the topic at hand. The Loud 'N Clear is amazing. Have you ever wondered what all those people at the party were talking about as you stood awkwardly in a doorway? 

They were talking about you, you bonehead! Now you'll be able to hear everything thanks to the Loud 'N Clear.

Simply attach this monstrous device to your ear, and the girls will start flowing like sweet berry wine!

"Wow. That guy that guy in the doorway is an asshole."


And ladies, the Loud 'N Clear works for you too.
  

Now when you're out grocery shopping or doing your usual household chores, you can hear all the great things the other housewives have to say about your hard-working, bread-winning husband. Gender stereotypes be damned!!





It's also great for lost old ladies and lost men in camouflage. Never again will you lose your way when walking through a park or trekking through the woods. Simply strap on a Loud 'N Clear, look really confused, and you're homefree.                                                                       


So folks, act now because in these economic times, who can live without an exceptional, life changing device like the Loud 'N Clear.

Oh and once again, pay no attention to those sons of bitches over at Listen Up. It's an inferior product and the Snuggie Lady is no where to be found in their piece of crap infomercial.

Thanks Loud 'N Clear!