How to Behave on National Television.

If you ever find yourself on cable television...oh, say, like MTV... there are certain basic rules of etiquette by which one should usually abide. 

I'm only going to discuss one of these rules, which I believe to be most important.

Rule Number One:

Do not, under any circumstances, creep out or alarm the host (or in this case, MTV vee-jay Damien Fahey) in any way.

 Your general demeanor may be off-putting and prone towards general creepiness. This is a fact you simply cannot help. However, there is no need to actively say or do things to make others, music television hosts in particular, uncomfortable. 

It is unnecessary and irresponsible.

When I was a senior in high school it seems I was always doing things that were unnecessary and irresponsible. From time to time, I still do.

In this particular incident, a group of friends and I found ourselves as guests on MTV's (now-defunct) Total Request Live. TRL to those Gen-X'ers out there. 

On a side note, I am baffled by how long they allowed this show to run. If you can believe it, it was actually more tedious to be on the show than it was to watch it. Which just might account for my odd behavior that fateful afternoon.

Sitting in my designated seat, just another teenage girl in a room filled with other giggly teen girls (and the occasional sexually-confused teen boy) I suddenly found a mic thrust in my face.

I looked up into Damien's preternaturally tanned face, momentarily distracted by his painstakingly coiffed hair (each spike lovingly crafted with the finest gel mtv had on stock) and realized that he was speaking directly to me.

"Um...what?", I queried, feeling the jealous eyes of every other teenybopper in the room zero in on my blank face.

Smiling charmingly, my man Damien repeated his question.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Michelle Branch?", he asked.

I bear little to no resemblance to Michelle Branch, though I suppose we do both have dark brown hair. And we are female. Suffice it to say, I really thought he was reaching a bit here.

            

                      The real Alex Cavallo -

To this day, I do not know what compelled me to say what I said next. 

Speaking confidently into the mic, with the air of a seasoned TRL guest or perhaps an actual pop-folk singing pop star, I said:

"I AM Michelle Branch."

I most certainly am not Michelle Branch. Never have been. But you could have fooled the entire mtv-watching audience with the authority with which I told Damien I was.

In what must have been the closest vee-jay Damien ever came to finding himself completely speechless in front of a live audience, he paused. Looking at me with something akin to wonder but likely more closely related to genuine fear, he nodded slowly.

 "Ooo kay.", he muttered. 

And that was it. The closest I have ever come to fame. My fifteen minutes amounted to not much more than 15 seconds. Over as quickly as it began.

But I, and perhaps one-time TRL vee-jay Damien Fahey, will never forget.