SPRG09JR608 Interactive News Matthew Tempesta

A Blast from the Past: The Commodore Plus 4

2009-03-05T03:17:32Z

This one just takes me back. I got a little misty eyed when I saw this. My family had a Commodore when I was little and I just loved it.

What kid wouldn't love a computer. I processed so many words, managed so many files,created countless spreadsheets.... oh and did I mention you could build graphics?

Look at that those lines! I could never draw lines that straight with a pencil and paper. Plus it came with a whopping 128 colors. My box of crayons just couldn't compete.

Look how happy the Commodore makes this family. It looks just like mine. I remember coming home from school, putting on my purple sweater, and playing for hours on our Commodore. It didn't matter how drunk daddy got, I could always escape to the endless bounty of the Commodore's 75 commands.

If only I were as well behaved as the Commodore Plus 4.

The other great thing about the Commodore was its design. No longer would you have to rely on a measly fern to liven up your all-beige work space. The beautiful blue screen could really drown out the life draining force of those florescent lights.

Oh, and did I mention it could be used as a musical instrument? If you fast forward to seven seconds in, and listen closely, you can hear that strange little girl singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star as she pounds out those keys like a white, young, female Stevie Wonder.

Oh and pay no attention to those ripoffs over at Apple, Dell, Sony, Toshiba, IBM or any of those other low-rent outfits claiming to make computers.

Thanks Commodore Plus 4!

The Sonic Blade

2009-03-04T06:35:34Z

Finally! A product that actually makes some freaking sense! Meet the Sonic Blade.

Let's look at seven seconds in. I can't tell you how many Thanksgivings I've ruined by ripping apart a whole turkey with my bare hands. Who knew cutting food could actually be this easy!

What an age we live in. I thought the CD-ROM
was as far as man could advance technologically, but I was wrong. Non-compression sonic separation technology is the wave of the future.

I think the strange lady who appears in this infomercial for exactly .34 seconds said it best when she said, "Wow."

Goodbye knives and bare hands. Hello Sonic Blade! You can virtually cut through anything with this bad boy. Fruits, vegetables, meats....fruits....meats.... and the hardest thing in the world to cut...... angel food cake??

This is one hell of a product. You may not know it, but the Sonic Blade was actually designed with Fred Flintstone and Shaggy from Scooby Doo in mind. The makers of the Sonic Blade sought to create a life where giant sandwiches and massive slabs of ribs could be enjoyed with ease and safety.

Oh, and the best part about the Sonic Blade? It's battery powered.Which means no miles ofwires to tangle with, which means that this guy will never appear in your kitchen.

Plus it comes with this awesome fro pick so you can look good while you cut things.

Oh and pay no attention to those miscreants at Cuisinart or Black & Decker.

Thanks Sonic Blade!

The Porta Book

2009-03-03T17:31:57Z

A nm weon qejqn mqwei m...dmqp............. OK. That's better. Sorry. I had to install my Porta Book. I never realized I've been horribly misspelling everything I write until I got the Porta Book.

It's amazing. I never knew laptops were this easy to use. I've been struggling for years trying to find the perfect position to use my computer. I've tried lying on the couch, lying on the floor, hiding under my bed, sitting in the trunk of my car and even squeezing into my dishwasher.

But now, thanks to the Porta Book I can finally use my laptop like a gentleman.

I can't even tell you how man hospital trips I've made with laptop neck and computer wrist.

The best part about the Porta Book is its multiple uses. I can use it to write things, serve desert, build model airplanes, eat a sandwich and even stare into its luscious white plastic surface imagining what life would have been like had the stupid whore not slept with everyone in town making a goddamn fool..... oops sorry about that..... I digress.

Where were we?

Ah yes. Look how convenient! Now I can finally enjoy Sandwich/Book Tuesdays.

I've ruined many a book and quite a few sandwiches trying to pull off this maneuver sans Porta Book.

It's almost the same as trying to pull off a knit-to-tea transfer sans Snuggie.

Come on folks. You know you want one. I bet you can hardly even read this blog right now. Look at all the glare. It's almost impossible to see anything. And that sharp pain in the back of your neck? That's your body saying, "Psst! Get me a Porta Book."

Oh and let's not forget about the the free WiFi finder you'll receive. Now you'll always know when you can go on Facebook and see if your cheating whore ex girlfriend is still seeing that fitness model that stole your....... dammit, sorry my mind is wandering again.

Buy the Porta Book. Now. Come on. Get to it.

Oh... and pay no attention to those assholes over at Lap Dawg, Keynamics, The Wizard or The Cricket. Very sub par craftsmanship.

Thanks Porta Book!

The Slap Chop

2009-02-25T21:42:05Z

There's not much I can say about Vince's triumphant return to the infomercial circuit.
So I'll sum up my feelings with this short video I made. Enjoy.

Thanks Slap Chop!

The Snuggie

2009-02-24T01:32:41Z

It happens all the time. You're sitting there, watching TV or playing backgammon, and it hits you:

"Damn, I wish I looked more like a monk."

Ladies and gentlemen, your worries are over.

Welcome to the world of The Snuggie.

Never again will you be bogged down by the enormous weight of those awful blanket things.

Who the hell wants to waste money on t-shirts, sweatshirts, or even sweaters when you can spend $14.95 on a Snuggie?

But enough about this great, awesome, divine, amazing, awesome, great, amazing product. Let's take a look at the ad.

We're immediately drawn in at the nine second mark, where we're reminded of the horrors of blanket life.

If I had a nickel for every phone call I've missed because my hands were stuck under a blanket, I'd be a freaking zillionaire.

Twenty eight seconds in: I used to dread making popcorn in my pre-Snuggie life. I would struggle for hours trying to free my hands from the wrath of my throw blanket just to be able to enjoy one measly kernel of delicious buttery popcorn.

But it was pointless even trying. Countless bowls of popcorn went cold and I can't even count how many TV shows I missed due to blanket-induced exhaustion.

But let's focus on the positive side of life, we are, after all, in a post-Snuggie era now.

Let's take a look at 55 seconds in. If this doesn't sell you on The Snuggie, then nothing will. Here we see the nice old lady go from knitting, to a enjoying a nice cup tea, in one unobstructed motion.

It's a goddamn miracle if you ask me.

That same nice old lady, a mere four months ago, was severely scalded when trying a knit-to-tea transfer sans Snuggie.

Listen people. Buy the freaking Snuggie already. Hell, they're even going to give you a free book light!

It's win-win!

You're never going to need shirts, sweaters, blankets, electricity, jackets, family, friends, happiness, love or anything else you can possibly think of ever again..... ever.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is The Snuggie.

Oh, and pay no attention to those bastards over at The Slanket.

Thanks Snuggie!

Loud 'N Clear

2009-02-22T17:30:33Z

Ah yes, Loud 'N clear. Perhaps my favorite infomercial, but of course I can say that about all these pieces of crap.

In these horrible economic times, the world yearns for a product that is both useful and practical. The Loud 'N Clear is just that. It's one of those once in a lifetime products that......wait a second.......is that who I think it is? Fast forward to 12 seconds in!

It's the Snuggie Lady!!! Wow! This really is the greatest infomercial of all-time. There must be some kind of sweatshop-like warehouse where infomercial actors are stored like slabs of beef.

Poor old lady. She was probably some cute little kid's grandma until she was kidnapped and forced into slave infomercial labor. Look at that forced smile. Those sullen eyes. I'm calling the Department of Labor.

Ok, I made the call. The department is on it.

Now let's get back to the topic at hand. The Loud 'N Clear is amazing. Have you ever wondered what all those people at the party were talking about as you stood awkwardly in a doorway?

They were talking about you, you bonehead! Now you'll be able to hear everything thanks to the Loud 'N Clear.

Simply attach this monstrous device to your ear, and the girls will start flowing like sweet berry wine!

"Wow. That guy that guy in the doorway is an asshole."

And ladies, the Loud 'N Clear works for you too.

Now when you're out grocery shopping or doing your usual household chores, you can hear all the great things the other housewives have to say about your hard-working, bread-winning husband. Gender stereotypes be damned!!

It's also great for lost old ladies and lost men in camouflage. Never again will you lose your way when walking through a park or trekking through the woods. Simply strap on a Loud 'N Clear, look really confused, and you're homefree.

So folks, act now because in these economic times, who can live without an exceptional, life changing device like the Loud 'N Clear.

Oh and once again, pay no attention to those sons of bitches over at Listen Up. It's an inferior product and the Snuggie Lady is no where to be found in their piece of crap infomercial.

Thanks Loud 'N Clear!

The Total Transformation Program

2009-02-18T18:25:58Z

Are you tired of your children acting like a little shits? Are they constantly arguing with you in black and white?

Then hand them over to this man:

This is Dr. James "The Stache" Lehman, and he has what it takes to whip your beloved little shits into shape.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Didn't I see him on www.familywatchdog.us?"

Yes it's true. But Dr. James has completely changed his ways. Pay no attention to the massive "molester mustache", Dr. James is here to help.

Using the power of the stache', Dr. James will have your kids bending over backwards to please you. Dr. James will utilize his patented treatment called "Negative Mustache Ride Reinforcement."

Just one month with the threat of a Dr. James mustache ride looming overhead will have even the worst behaved kids begging to scrub dishes and rake the leaves. Dr. James can cure A.D.D., depression and even severe mental disorders such as schizophrenia.

Yes folks, there's hardly an ailment out there that won't disappear thanks to Negative Mustache Ride Reinforcement.

It's so easy. Simply drop your children off at Dr. Jame's Mobile Behavioral Treatment Van, pay the $750 tuition, ignore that horrible sinking feeling in your stomach and in mere weeks you're child will be transformed from an outgoing, opinionated little asshole, into a despondent, zombie-like stranger.

Act now though, because there's only so much room to go around in Dr. Jame's treatment van.

Thanks Dr. James!

FinallyFast.com

2009-02-18T17:03:18Z

This has to be one of the greatest infomercials of all time. Where else can you get to see 30 year old actors trying to play teenage boys. I guess all it takes is a striped shirt and messy hair to pull off the 14-year-old man-child look. I wish I could have been at the casting call for this one. It must have gone something like this:

Ok, so you're 31-years-old and this part calls for a 14-year-old..... do you own a striped shirt?

Yes I do.

Do you own a hair brush?

No I don't.

You've got the part.

But forget about man-child #1, let's fast forward to 11 seconds in, where we're introduced to man-child #2.. What the hell is this kid playing? In what world to people play strange looking airplane games from the early 1990's? Infomercial World, that's where.

And why would his internet connection affect his weird little game? I guess only mommy knows the answer to that one. Excellent acting. I guess we all have to start somewhere.

I think this infomercial holds the record for most frustrated acting people in one two-minute span, a whopping six. That's unheard of.

Finally at about 25 seconds in, the fast-paced techno music starts playing, letting us know it's time to buy some crap.

Also the classic "nodding head of disapproval" changes to the "nodding head of approval." This is a staple of any infomercial and is the first thing taught in infomercial 101B.

Let's take a look at 1:38 in. What the hell is he talking on? Is that really supposed to be a phone? It looks more like a glasses case, or a business card holder, or maybe just a rectangular piece of plastic someone found on their way over to the set.

Well, at least he has a kick-ass Ferrari poster in the background. What a cool man-child.

Thanks Finally Fast!

Sham Wow

2009-02-17T17:00:23Z

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Vince.

Vince is part man, part headset, and all salesman.

When it comes to selling crap, Vince is at the top of the heap. Rumor has it Vince once sold a 2-year subscription to Playboy to Pope John Paul II, and his holiness couldn't even read English!

You know Vince is legit because of the state-of-the-are black headset he uses. This enables him to communicate directly to the Sham Wow scientists just in case something goes awry.

Now as for the Sham Wow, this is one incredible product. It's made by the Germans and according to Vince's sweeping racial generalizations, "The Germans always make good stuff."

I'll take 17!

At around 40 seconds in, Vince conducts one of the greatest cola experiments of all time. An entire half cup of cola is spilled onto a 6 inch by 6 inch piece of carpet. (For those of you who live in studio apartments, this is for you.) The Sham Wow actually absorbs all that cola. Even the camera man can hardly believe it. This is truly amazing. It leaves the tiny piece of carpet "Virtualy droy awn the bawttom!" (Apparently Vince hails from the deepest darkest recesses of Long Island)

Listen people. You're going to be wasting $20 a year on paper towels. I mean, this Sham Wow sells itself. Think of all the new porn you'll be able to afford with the money you'll save.

But beware of Sham Wow imitators. Products like the Sham Whoa, the Sham No Way and the Sham Holy Crap! have been duping buyers for years. Accept no imitations, the Sham Wow is the real deal.

You can use it for anything:
-drying your arm
-cleaning up cola spills
-drying your pet
-drying your foot
-absorbing hard to clean blood stains
-removing incriminating bodily fluids
-and it's even used by Olympic Divers!

I'll take 300!